I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
