Can i not drive my cunt home
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
