It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
