my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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