i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
