And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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