Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
