The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think i got beer on your cat.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
