My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
