Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
