It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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