I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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