He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
