the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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