Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
