He had one of those small greek statue penises
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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