What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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