i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
