Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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