there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
