I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
farters have to be the big spoon...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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