you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
