It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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