You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
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If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
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My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.