Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
