I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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