I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
