I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
