i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
well you can't waste a boner
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
