my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize