how hairy? two words: wookie tits
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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