Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
