What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
