I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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