I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
