I wish I could punch you in the face.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
