Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
