Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
