I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
