So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
