your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
