Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
