True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
