Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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