Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
