he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
