I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
