I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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