Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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