Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
