I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
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