It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
