My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
