So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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