Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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